So the time on my phone is currently reading 6am. I have yet to sleep. My sleep pattern has always been bad but when stress levels are high, sleep often fails me.
I lie there for hours willing my eyelids to get heavy and then I make lists in my head, shop online and watch pointless YouTube videos I have never cared to watch in my life. Between the hours of 2 - 6am is when all the magic usually happens. I get my most creative ideas, anything from what I can do in work, film or even write. However, I have this weird habit where I buy things I never need. Today it was travelling accessories and a travel word game missing instructions. Surely there is a disorder for this right? I will sometimes find myself catching up on ex boyfriends. Don't lie, we've all done it.
All my recent ex's have moved on and are currently in – what seems to be – loving relationships. I actually felt incredibly strong because seeing them happy, actually made me happy. I was not a good person to some people in my past and others I just knew we were incompatible but the bottom line is, I hurt people. I was never proud of it.
2016 – 2017 was the longest I have ever been single since I was 15. That's insane. However, I very rarely struggled with it. Yes, I went on some dates, even genuinely liked a guy or two but overall, I deleted dating apps, focused on myself and was completely happy to do so.
Sure, the biological clock would sometimes check in on me and ask if me I had this time to spare, but I also realised I couldn't rush the next person I get with. I had to treat the next person like he could be the one. I realised it made my standards become higher without me becoming shallow. I liked that.
What I guess I am trying to say is, I feel like I have always tried to grow as a person, but I actually feel like I have been able to do so whilst I have been single.
I'm not even entirely sure how that all really factors into the whole reason why I am even writing this. I guess it's because I am being honest. Speaking my mind, and this is a part of what is going on inside my head.
Today, during my fit of insomnia, I did my usual routine of mindlessly checking up on people. Friends, family, People Ive never met, Youtubers and last but not least, ex's.
My first ex, has moved in with his new girlfriend. I felt nothing but genuine happiness and moved on.
My second ex has been with his girlfriend for almost a year and although I was the reason we broke up, I was said with how it ended. However, I have always been happy he found someone. Yet today, I found out he had written a song 'for the love of his life' and my stomach dropped.
Now I have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure why this effected me so much. Was it because he had written me a beautiful song once? Was it because I was replaced. Maybe my ego truly believed I would always be the best. Honestly, Im not sure. But it stung like a mother f*cker.
I'm sitting here in the dark. Looking at my ex's. They have all found happiness. They were all good people. I here I am, sitting in the dark, looking at my ex's.
The reality has finally hit me that I enjoyed being single for long not because I was growing, but because I am afraid. All I want in life is to be the love of someone's life but I have absolutely no idea how to love.
I have never loved anybody. I have felt the butterflies dance around inside me. I have held my lips tightly shut as the words tried to fall out. I have felt it, sung it and declared it more times that I care to admit but if I truly loved them? Would I push them all away within 6 months? Hurt them and leave them.
I am sitting here shaking with fear at the realisation I am facing. I do not know how to be with someone. I do not know how to live the mundane every day normality and share that with someone. I get bored and restless in every aspect of my life, lovers included. Im 28 and I have never celebrated a year anniversary in my twenties.
I am not growing whilst being single. I am being safe. No one can hurt me, break me, ruin me. I tell every man 'I will leave you before you leave me' and I have never been wrong about it.
I just feel broken. I feel alone and it's all my fault. Or my parent's divorce, which ever makes me feel less guilty I suppose!
I guess this post has no lesson or conclusion right now, but I will take it positively if I can and see this post as the beginning of my journey to truly understand love.